| i'm cold as december |
[Aug. 3rd, 2009|03:17 am] |
mirror, riddle, diddle
procrastination, procrastination, oh the demons of procrastination. give in, give in, you'll never win. no! this time, i'm going to stand tall and fight the power. i will make it through and study hard to pass my exams! yes i will! argh i hate selfmotivation
I think about love, and its entire fragility, how time not only heals all wounds, but makes love lose its luster. the very idea of committing to a relationship scares me when i think of being trapped in a loveless marriage, that drowning, choking feeling, gasping for air, water bubbling up the lungs. i guess, i’m very pessimistic when it comes to love and marriage, because i don’t believe in love at first sight, nor true love, nor forever/eternal love/marriage bliss (whatever you call it). not that i’ve ever been in an unhappy relationship, but, growing aware of my surroundings and watching people made me realize this. it’s like a taboo. a dead knot in my heart, it can’t be undone. I don't know how i'm going to fall in love with someone when i'm falling apart.
i had a dream, my father was holding the hand of a very young child, a boy, strolling, walking, chatting.
that boy was my father's son, but not my brother.
he was the child of another mother.
i've thought about this before, that if my father were to have another (extra-martial) child, i wouldn't really mind. but now, after the dream, i'm not so sure anymore. i feel this weird concoction of emotions: hate coated with apathy yet large dosages of pity, shots of jealousy and bubbles of resentment; a 1000 emotions exploding inside. i could comprehend why (i.e unhappy marriage, unfilial children, unsatisfied and unfulfilling life) hence a chance to start over. i don't know. i'm feeling intense restlessness whenever i think about it. i really want to everyone to be happy,
but
some things are really beyond our control
and for those that i can, i promise myself that i will do my best, whatever it takes, from now on. i will try. |
|
|
| i'm not in love |
[Jul. 30th, 2009|06:37 pm] |
my momma once told me, so what if she chose someone who liked her more than she did,
she thought she was going to be happy, but. |
|
|
| bizarre love triangle |
[Jul. 24th, 2009|12:24 am] |
i've waited for you to say the words that I can't say.
You did, and
it was all I ever needed to know.
there was nothing more i could've asked for, more than this.
strange, how i expected myself to feel a rush of euphoria, yet, it was just silence. |
|
|
| love will tear us apart |
[Jul. 21st, 2009|02:18 pm] |
other than an academic malfunction (i'm handicapped when it comes to economic and mathematical comprehension), school's been very kind to me. my new friends too. i hope they still like me despite my consistently (rationally, ha ha) bad habits (i.e late, borrowing notes, late). sigh i am such a bad friend. anyway i miss taking photographs, not that im particularly good at it, just, it makes me happy. sigh now i keep having to make do with the old pictures i have. and have yet to use the slr (film, not digital) i've inherited from my father. but its so heavy! and not forgetting fragile. i should return it to him since ive not used it. ah well
i think, i'm afraid of commitments. and i guess, i end up hurting others because i'm afraid of getting hurt myself. i know it's selfish, but.
these days,
i can't comprehend with my own emotions. i don't know what to feel.
i don't know how i am supposed to feel.
|
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 16th, 2009|01:14 pm] |
It's becoming very often that I have an intense dislike for a particular trait in a friend. Upon reflection, I realise that the reason I hate it was because I could see myself in that person. I've been reflecting alot nowadays. Probably because i've not been a very nice person to all my friends and I get annoyed and lose my temper easily.
I'm having 1000 emotions exploding inside. I don't know what to feel. I don't know what to do.
Someone please tell me what I'm doing is right (although deep down I know I hate what I'm getting myself involved in). I need reassurance and I'm tired of going round in circles.
Thankfully, I can lie to myself.
|
|
|
| one bright day in the middle of the night |
[Jul. 13th, 2009|12:42 pm] |
recently,
the dreams (mainly nightmares) i've been having, weren't very pleasant, some of my them had to do with persons drenched in blood or having some demonic presence. my friends said its because i've been watching too much disturbing shows (i.e the mist, silent hill) or there is something suppressing me. i really don't know.
It occurred to me, if we believe in ghosts, shouldn't we believe that God exists as well? It's so ironic how we outrightly deny God of his existence, yet, easily we succumb to the beliefs of the 'true' tales, those claiming they had felt, heard or seen ghosts, which are just as intangible. I'm not speaking from a hardcore christian point of view, instead, someone who has very much backslided from the religion itself. If religion (not useless or demonic cults) is able to give people that extra push and strength that they need, the last hope or faith that they are grasping so tightly to, to hold the last string of sanity before they snap, a form of psychological comfort, keep people in line, for the better benefit of mankind, I don't see why not. It's because Man are flawed, we are unable to completely rely on each other, hence, possessing the knowledge that there is someone whom you can always count on, turn to, and who loves you, acts as a form of consolation, eases going through each difficulty we meet, hopefully gives more meaning to life when Man fail us. I try not to think too much or too deeply into the religion issue, it's hard to explain and probably could not be so easily deciphered. As long as it does us good, i'll embrace it with open arms.
I've just caught The Haunting In Connecticut (though i think i should put disturbing shows on hold for the moment). There was a scene where the kids were reciting some poem. I'm not going to post it here because it freaks me out, so click on the link HERE to check it out. enjoy.
|
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 12th, 2009|06:34 pm] |
i don't know
maybe
perhaps
it's not love, but it's still a feeling. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 9th, 2009|01:07 am] |
grow up
grow up
grow up
grow up
grow up
grow up
|
|
|
| don't cry |
[Jun. 22nd, 2009|10:51 pm] |
argh i'm having blocked nose, sore throat and a throbbing headache now. the aftermath of my saturday night fever. literally. my temperature was 38.9 degrees, then. to add on, i start my bridging course on econs and math tml, which continues almost everyday until august. fuck this shit.
perhaps this is karma kicking me back to reality, after months of procrastination and expenditure on useless entertainment.
anyway, this song is damn nice to listen to while having fucking drunk sex. as quoted by sean the sexpert.
i have craving for oyster omelette. ok bye.
|
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
tofutiger's journal
